My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
We will use anything but the metric system
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”