My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …