My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Why soy sad?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.