My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You Might Also Like
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
LOL
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.