My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.