Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

let’s discuss

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.