My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
we’re gonna need another temp
