My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”