Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?