My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
You Might Also Like
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT