My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840