Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.