My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
