Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camel dough

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road