My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
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Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I hate my earbuds.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?