MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
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if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch