Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Two types of dogs.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.