my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.