Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.