Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

And then there were 4

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts