My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
You Might Also Like
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.