My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.