My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Haha! 😂
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.