Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Crying is a sign of leakness.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

another case of gang violins

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

My dad.