My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
adam and eve had first world problems
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
me and the Superbowl rn
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Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.