My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself