my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single