my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.