my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago