Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

phew

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

🐦

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.