Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them