Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’