Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.