My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Me as a therapist: omg same
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.