My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.