My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
