My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
You Might Also Like
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?