Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.