Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came this close!!!!

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy