Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*