MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Oh deer
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Finally, an explanation.
