My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Investing in beetcoin
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.