Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Joseph Smith, 1833

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never