Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

sigh

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

every college guy’s fridge

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.