Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

This was my dad’s browser history.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”