Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*