Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*