My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
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My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Potatoes were such a good idea
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.