Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.