My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.