My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
excuse me
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If snakes were wide
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back