My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
This sounds bad:
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.