Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.