My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle