Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

i would wish you the best but i am the best

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.