Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Does your wife know you’re single?

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?