my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…