my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.