my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
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Well, this explains it:
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”