Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

phew

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…