My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not