My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Oh the world we live in…
Happy birthday to all the women
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?