My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Taco Bell, Exit 22
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens