Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks