My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?