Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee