Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“