Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube