Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

adam and eve had first world problems

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!