@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

@sofarrsogud

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@_Water_Baby

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?

@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@gIitering

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,