Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom
Mfer how do you think I became a mom?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,