My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”