My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?