Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening