Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.