Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”