Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook