“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
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Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!