Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.