My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Wait, let me explain..”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political