Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

The Birdles