My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
When I said I liked it rough.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂