my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five